When my husband and I announced that we had gotten engaged and were planning to be married in three months, we were met with a lot of negativity and it surprised me. Some of the negativity was due to the fact that we were young and that we hadn’t been dating very long, but a lot of it was also just negative opinions about marriage in general. Growing up, I had always been taught that marriage was a good thing, and that it was something to look forward to. But all the negativity we were receiving was making it seem otherwise.
I would definitely say that I got more negative opinions about marriage than positive. So let’s take a look at some of the advice and takes on marriage I was given and why I believe you shouldn’t take them too much to heart.
- Marriage is hard.
This was a common tagline we were told and this one, as you’ll see with most of these, has some truth to it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that marriage is never hard. But you should not expect it to always be hard. And you shouldn’t not commit to something that’s right, simply because of the possibility that it will be hard.
My husband and I have definitely gone through some difficult times in our marriage, but I would say that very few of the difficulties we’ve weathered were actually within our marriage. They were simply difficulties in life, and I’m so grateful that we have each other to lean on when hard times come.
That’s one thing I think needs to be kept in mind if you’re thinking about getting married, but you’re worried about the hardships that come with getting married. Ask yourself: do you love the person that you’re in a relationship with? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with them? Are they the person that you trust most in all the world?
If all those things are the case, then wouldn’t you rather face hardships with that person by your side?
Also remember the fact that facing hardships together will make you stronger together. Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and if it’s from God, then it’s right. Don’t be afraid to commit to it just because it may be hard.
- You have to choose to love your partner every day.
To be honest, if you have to choose to love your partner every single day, then you’re probably in a marriage that shouldn’t have happened.
In my opinion, if you love someone, then that feeling is always there and it’s more of a fact than a feeling. There have been a few times in my marriage where I felt very upset with and hurt by my husband, and yes, maybe I had to choose to like him in that moment, but my love for him was never in question. There may even be very rough seasons in your marriage in which you do have to choose to love your partner, but if that is the case every single day, then I don’t believe your marriage is functioning healthily.
If someone gives you this piece of advice, please, do not simply accept that that’s the way a marriage is supposed to look and that it’s just normal. I believe that going into a marriage with this outlook is simply a recipe for unnecessary tension and contempt. In fact, I would try to go into every day by praying for your partner, believing the best about them, and thinking about how you can be the best partner for them that day.
If you are looking at getting married to someone and you are getting up every day having to choose to love that person, then I strongly advise that you take a step back and consider whether marriage is truly the right step for you two.
- You have to have your life 100% set in place before you get married.
Before getting married, we were told that we needed to have all of these things locked in place before we could even think about getting married: a house, a mode of transportation, insurance, and a career. Plus, we were told that we’d need to have enough money for an expensive ring, a honeymoon, and a nice venue for the wedding. Most of these things (like a steady income, a mode of transportation, insurance, and a place to live) were being worked out while we were in the process of planning the wedding and they were all set to fall into place around the time of the wedding. Other things (like an expensive ring, honeymoon, and nice venue) we decided were not important to us. We also came to the conclusion that we didn’t need to have a house or a fully figured out career at the time of getting married, those things would take time- and that was okay.
But still, our marriage was looked down upon by several people because we weren’t “ready” for it yet. We needed to have all of those things 100% figured out, and then we could think about getting married.
Again, there is some validity to this advice. If you still live in your parents house, have no job, no responsibilities, no savings, and are giving no indication of working towards any of those things, then you’re probably not ready for a marriage.
But if you do have those things in the works and you are both mature adults that are ready to put in the work to make this marriage and your life together happen, then you’ll figure it out. In fact, I believe that most of the time, it’s better and easier for two people to begin a life together from scratch than for two people with fully established lives to try to fuse them together. This is not always the case, but as I said, I do believe that it’s better and easier most of the time.
- Your first year of marriage will be the hardest.
It’s possible that due to your circumstances, the first year of your marriage will be one of the hardest. Or it might not be. Ours definitely wasn’t. Our first year of marriage was one of the best, most happy years of our lives. It was filled with happy times, loving moments, new experiences that we were discovering together, and learning so much about each other.
Everybody’s journey in marriage is going to be different, but I don’t want young couples to dread their first year of marriage. It is a wonderful, loving time of extreme growth together! That growth may be difficult and even painful at times, but even that can be looked forward to.
You’re getting married to the love of your life and soon you’ll get to see each other every day without having to say goodbye at the end of the night. You can be excited for that and not have to feel guilty about being excited for it! You can also be excited for something while being aware that it might be difficult. The best things often require the most effort. 🙂
- You have to date for a year before getting married.
Maybe some couples do need to date for a year before getting married. Maybe some couples even need longer than that. We however did not, and I don’t think that there’s a set amount of time of being together that is guaranteed to produce a long-lasting marriage.
My husband and I were together for five months before we got married, and I wouldn’t change a thing. We are doing just fine and I do not regret getting married in the slightest. Would I recommend that short of a relationship before getting married to everyone? Probably not. But I probably would recommend a relatively short period of dating and engagement to most couples, if they truly are serious about marriage.
If you truly believe that this relationship is what God has for you, then I say go for it. God’s plans very often look way different from everyone else’s, and they may require you to make a leap of faith.
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What bad or good advice did you receive before you got married? Do you have any marriage advice to give? I’d love to hear it! Tell me about it in the comments. 🙂
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